New Year's Eve

Hello,again! My name is Banana Hannah and today we are going to be talking about holidays.That's right.
By now,everyone is probably sick and tired of holidays.Let's just be honest.

First we had Hanukkah,then Christmas and then we had to suffer the wrath of the dreaded KWANZAA!
And,if you celebrate any of those holidays,you are undoubtedly exhausted.
If you celebrate all of them,you're last name probably has several hyphens in it.

But last month,there was a holiday that brought of us together,no matter what our religious background is.And it also unites us in hating it.

And that holiday was New Year's Eve!

New Year's Eve is like the death of a pet.You know it's going to happen,yet you somehow you are never prepared for how truly awful it is.

New Year's Eve is the worst,let me tell you. It combines three of the most least pleasant things known to mankind; Forced interaction with complete strangers,being drunk,cold and tired out of you're mind,and having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for five solid minutes while waiting for him to tell you what the time is.

Honestly,the best thing you could do is avoid the whole evening.But to do that,you are going to need some specific and well-planned-out excuses.And this is where I come in.So,I give you some good excuses for next New Year's Eve and on how to avoid it all!

Alright,so let's say you have a friend who had just gotten a divorce and is wanting to have a little guy time with you. This is a tricky one because as we all know,"guy time" is usually code for strip clubs.

And no one should have to spend New Year's Eve in a strip club. Unless Ebola get's air-born and the only cure for it is sitting through countless hours of tight leather and exotic dancing on a poll. That's the only appropriate time.

So,what you need to do is this; tell your friend that your cousin,Paul Smecca,has suddenly become ill and that he needs some of your bone sighs. Now, clearly I made that up. Bone signs are just a jibberish of letters that it put together and Paul Smecca is the name of a character in the "BoonDock Saints."

And here's the thing,though; if you're friend knows that fact about Paul Smecca off hand,cut him out of your life forever. It's a terrible movie! Either way,you're free that night!

Okay,second scenario; let's say you've been invited to a party at your friends house. Obviously,you don't want to go. That's a five hour commitment if you leave at 12:01! Think of it this way,do you really want to sit on your friends couch and watch all of the Terminator movies back-to-back for five hours?

No,nobody does.

So here's the trick and this actually works for everything. Trust me.

Simply tell them that you're getting a butt inspection that night.

Now,I know what you're thinking; "But Banana,that's not technically an excuse." Yes,you're right. But the beauty of it is that there will be no follow-up questions about it!

Because,let's be honest here, NOBODY wants to hear about your butt inspection.That's just a solid fact! So you're out! You are out!

But what I'm saying is that,there is no better way to celebrate New Year's Eve than lying. The first thing that should pop into people's minds for this holiday is "Should old acquaintance be forgot" and here's why; there is no better way of doing that than by completely blowing off your friends and family.

And if you do this right,you will be in bed on New Year's Eve at 11:45 after watching all five "Die Hard" movies!

Good bye ladies and germs and have a good new year!